At the end of June I opened a Facebook account so that I could link it to my blog. Facebook should be renamed heroin, or the black hole. I was sucked up into it. It is the mother of addictions, which was one of the main reasons I had deactivated my account back in 2011. Unfortunately, I’ve neglected my blog (because I’ve been too busy reading people’s lunch and dinner posts and/or political views) but I have reconnected with old friends, again. The novelty of facebook has definitely warn off, so I have decided to once again dedicate time to my blog……. Soon…….. First I need to log into facebook……….. BRB
WHAT!?? It’s been an hour since I checked it. UGH!!
Considering tortoises can live anywhere from 150 to 200 years, I would think bibi is going through “tortoispause”. Personally, I can’t blame her for attempting to bite off her mate’s shell. After 115 years of
trauma marriage I would be biting off my own shell.
In the past month I have stumbled upon articles about human beings behaving more like animals. One man cut out his own body parts and flung them at police officers in New Jersey, another was discovered eating a live goat (while dressed in women’s clothing) and a third man was shot by authorities in Miami because he would not stop
eating the face off of a homeless man. All of them left me feeling disgusted, frightened and appalled. As I found myself shaking my head in disbelief with all of this bizarre, barbaric behavior, I stumbled upon an article about
apes in Florida who were capable of using ipads, and who skyped other apes in Canada. http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/apps-apes-orangutans-using-ipads-paint-video-chat-174457692.html
Hmmm, interesting. So, now, let me get this straight……people are acting like animals, and animals are acting like people? WTF? I’m beginning to think that perhaps it is time that the world came to an end and started from scratch. Maybe the Mayans are on to something. Think about it…… the dinosaurs acted much better than us and yet they were destroyed. If I were our creator I would just press the reject button on us too. Oh!!!!! I just had an idea (a Zoe Tangent)….…….humor me a minute……..… what if, our entire existence was only a 10 minute Angry Birds game for a larger being and he/she/it is just pressing buttons? What if humans are just round 2 of an electronic game and this other, larger being is about to end the game?
Now you’re thinking, “She didn’t take her meds today” or, “She didn’t use those salts for her bath, did she” or, “Is she watching Twilight Zone reruns?” So let’s clear some things up…… I don’t take meds. I probably should, but I
don’t. I’ve never used bath salts (notice I didn’t say drugs) and I have not been watching Twilight Zone reruns (loved that show by the way). Anyway, my tangent is gone, as is my time for today. Thanks for stopping by.
What?!! I said my tangent is over. I’m bored now. Gotta go. :)
Conversation between the shrimp and her teen sister:
SHRIMP: Can you help me make my party invitations?
TEEN: What party?
SHIMP: My birthday party!
TEEN: Your birthday is in six months! You don’t need to make invitations now.
SHRIMP: But I want to do it now……. so help me……ok?
TEEN: I’ll help you when it’s your birthday.
SHRIMP: No, now….. help me now please. I want to do them now. You have to help me make my invitations RIGHT now.
TEEN: Ugh, no not now. I’m not helping you make invitations today. It makes no sense to do it now. Your birthday is too far away.
SHRIMP: If you don’t help me today then you can’t come to my 6th birthday party or my 7th birthday party!!!
TEEN: (Amused and laughing) Are you seriously barring me from your parties cause I won’t help you make invitations for a party that won’t happen for 6 months?
TEEN: (Speaking to me and still laughing) Oh my God Ma, did you hear what she just said?
ME: Yes I heard. (Looking over at Shrimp) Your sister is right. Your birthday is far away. What
if she promises to help you make invitations one month before your next birthday? Is that good?
SHIMP: (Ignores me and addresses her sister) Fine! But if you don’t help me with the invitations for my 6th birthday party like you promised, then you won’t come to my 8th birthday party either!
Last night I watched something on a cable channel about some other idiot who attempted to kill their spouse with Arsenic. So when I went to bed, as I dosed off, I entered my typical “Lunatic” stage of sleep where all these odd, yet sometimes creative thoughts rush into my head. Last night I thought, hmm, the word Arsenic is quite similar to the greek word for “male”, which is “Arseniko”. Hmm. Interesting, yet, it puts things into perspective, no?
Israeli scientists have managed to take the “high” or THC (tetrahydrocannabinol ) out of Marijuana, but managed to maintain its medicinal properties in order to be able to legalize it. http://gizmodo.com/5914290/killjoy-scientists-have-bred-the-fun-out-of-medical-marijuana
In accordance with articles I’ve read, they claim that it looks, tastes, smells, and burns the same way as the illegal plant does. Ok, so the “young at heart” side of me could totally object and joke about this, but the adult side of me truly believes that this is great. However, if these scientists could manage to take the calories out of ice cream, chocolate, and wine,it would be even more great, and I would rename all of my children after them.
Yesterday as I put away the dishes I heard the Shrimp talking outloud: “Uh oh. It’s almost Father’s Day and I didn’t make a card. Father’s Day is on Six, Slash, One Seven, Slash, Twelve.”
5 minutes later while drawing on her construction paper, she said, “Oh wait. This Sunday is not Father’s Day. This Sunday is only Six, Slash, One Zero, Twelve”. She stops. She looks up. She changes her mind and reaches for another crayon while saying, “Well, I already started making the card. I might as well finish it.”
That’s right. I’m renaming perimenopause. I shall now refer to it as Perimeno-cause, since I have found its silver lining. The lining? Not Guilty by Reason of Menopause. Yup. Thanks to a woman named Leigh Anne Jasheway-Byrant who wrote a book with that title, my plea from now on will be “not guilty by reason of menopause”!!! So go on and kick that cat, fip that bird, and bark your lungs out. It’s ok. It’s not you. It’s……. perimeno-caused.
First I want to say, “bravo!! ” to this man, and then I would like to ask you this: If it were a woman who displayed such behavior, what would have been said about her?
‘Dr. Bloomberg’ was derided for his proposal to limit size of sugary drinks (msnbc.com)
Dear Mayor Bloomberg,
I heard that you are planning to ban supersize beverages that contain too much sugar. Well, sir, I have a few questions:
- Will you be banning all supersize drinks with sugar, including those containing alcohol?
- Do you have plans to ban anything else that is supersize? If so, will you be obtaining a search warrant for my night stand drawer?
- Can you suggest another tasty drink with which one can wash down a Big Mac and supersize fries?
Thank you for your time.
I’m starting my own restaurant. Here’s a sneak peak at the menu so far:
MONDAY’S SPECIAL: Intestines A La Wayne
TUESDAY’S SPECIAL: Poppo Pot Pie
WEDNESDAY’S SPECIAL: Bundy Burgers
This Mother’s Day I decided that it would be a good idea to go shopping with three generations of female family members, and then have lunch together. Would anyone like to guess how this equation ended? Let’s see how good you all are at math:
What does 1 frustrated PMS-ing Teenager shopping for a dress, plus 1 eighty six year old Mother accidentally flashing a store full of shoppers from her dressing room, plus a very, very, hungry and bored 5 year old equal?
A. The worst Mother’s Day ever
B A sneak peak of Hell
C. The ingredients for a hilarious sitcom
D. All of the above
I’m certain that many of you have already heard about this, but in case you haven’t, researchers at Liverpool John Moores University found that dinosaurs passed about 520 million metric tons of methane—the equivalent of about 706 gallons of gas a day—that contributed to the warming of the planet. Well, the media blew it out of proportion and sensationalized it by claiming that dinosaurs “gassed” themselves into extinction. Ridiculous. In fact, researchers had looked at global climate change, and found that, yes, such a massive amount of methane expulsion “could have been significant in sustaining warm climates, but, dinosaurs did not die from their own flatulence. Seriously folks, if gas was that deadly, there would be no women or children left….. Am I right ladies?
So, I decided to perform my own study and I was very surprised at the findings. Following extensive research and review of evidence, I have concluded that dinosaurs did not die from extreme “anal eruption” but rather, they died from extreme alcohol consumption.
Earlier today my husband called me to tell me about the conversation he witnessed between my 5 year old and her BFF when he took her to Greek School this morning. First of all, he said that she complained the entire time she walked down the hallway towards her classroom because her back pack and lunch bag were too heavy. Then, as she entered the classroom, instead of setting her bags down at her desk, she noticed her BFF drawing on the chalkboard and began this conversation:
MY SHRIMP: Hi! Do you like my new shoes?
SHRIMP BFF: YES! Do you like mine?
MY SHRIMP: Oh gosh, yes, they’re soooo cute!
Then the BFF went back to drawing on the board until the teacher arrived, and my Shrimp walked over to her desk and placed her allegedly very heavy bags on her desk.
My husband walked out of the classroom shaking his head.
Occasionally my husband wakes up in the middle of the night and then has difficulty falling back asleep. Just as one should never wake a sleeping baby, due to his sleep issues, the same holds true for my husband. So once in a while when his restless leg syndrome rears its head, or when he snores, I initially wait it out unless I am exhausted, at which time
I kick him so hard he nearly lands on his ass, I nudge him ever so gently so that I don’t wake him, and he turns over in his precious sleep and stops snoring.
Saturday night the hubby was angelically sleeping. He did not wake once. He did not snore. He did not shake a leg, a finger, or anything else for that matter. I too was in a deep sleep when I was suddenly woken up by a loud, rude car horn. I then looked over at my husband who was sleeping on his back, not snoring, and not moving a thing. I looked at his chest to see if he was breathing. I swear it wasn’t moving. Uh oh. I touched him and he seemed colder than usual so I nudged him and calmly, softly, yelled out his name at the top of my lungs. He woke. I sighed in relief. And then I instantly went back to sleep.
Hours later when we were both awake he asked me why I woke him at 6:00 A.M. Initially I did not recall the event, but then it all came back to me. I told him what had happened. Well! Instead of thanking me for saving his life, he was annoyed that I woke him. He said, “I can’t believe you woke me up from a great sleep at 6 A.M. You couldn’t wait till 9:00??!!” Humph!! This is the thanks I get? I told him, “No! I could not wait until 9 because then I would not have had enough time to go food shopping for the celebratory party that would have taken place had you been dead!” The nerve of some people, sheesh!! He then said, “Even if I am dead, don’t wake me up!” Fine by me! So in order to cover my ass from any possible future negligence or murder charges, I had this tattooed on his chest:
This was posted on a site where the readers were asked to write a caption. In my opinion this would have been a far less controversial picture for Time Magazine to use on their cover this month. You can decide for yourself: ( http://blogs.independent.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Untitled-113.jpg )
Anyway, considering my age, and the fact that I’ve nursed two children,
and one husband, my caption would have been, “Bottoms Up!” After all, I always say that the only time mine are perky is when I stand on my head (TMI? )
Hmmm…… suddenly I have the urge for upside down cake.
Here in New York there have been reports of yet another groper (The Well Dressed Groper). Although I personally have not yet had the pleasure of being groped, I am strongly hoping that my teen will never, ever become the target of one of these gropers. That being said, I am happy to say that things seem to be looking up in the department of gropers. I mean, seriously ladies, who wants to be groped by a thug in sweats? That’s like going on a date to McDonald’s and then giving it up to some schmuck. No Ma’am! I have higher standards! At least this guy has the decency to put on a suit before he violates
You know, now that I think about it……..maybe there is hope for me. You know what they say, “Good things come to those who wait”, right? That must be why I haven’t been groped yet. Not only will my groper be in a suit, but he will have flowers and a bottle of wine too! Sigh.
According to yet another new study, drinking coffee may extend your life.
Oh great…. With the amount of coffee I’ve been drinking I should live well into my thousands.